For J

I have not written anything in almost a month now, but I am forcing myself to do so, hoping to cure my writer's block. Why is it that when we are struggling with grief, it is so difficult to do the things that best relieve it? I suppose that we must choose to act instead of relying on our emotions to inspire us to act. Although I feel no inspiration, I read something today that jolted me out of my little world of sadness. As we are all so very different in our triumphs, struggles and those secret things we desire, I reveal my own weaknesses in hopes that you won't judge me too harshly. Four weeks ago, I discovered that I am with child. Upon this discovery, I could not hold back the tears of grief. One might wonder "What on earth do you have to grieve about?". I admit that many people grieve about terrible losses much weightier than my own, but this logical realization did not make it any easier for me. I felt so violated. Having been sexually assaulted by a stranger when I was in my 20's, I do know how it feels to be violated. This feeling that my body had been taken over without my permission (yes, there were precautions), and would now dictate my future from this moment on, felt so unfair. My mind was made up that our little family of three was perfect and all I could handle. I enjoy the special times with my daughter and had envisioned my life with just her. Now I am forced to make room for another human being in all of our lives. My future vanished before me, replaced by another and the emotions accompanying this change were far beyond the typical responses I received from others. "Oh, that's so exciting!", "Never expected, but always wanted!"- all the good intentions and light heartedness behind the comments seems to highlight my flawed mothering instinct ever so painfully. I have a child whom I adore and have poured every bit of myself into her wonderful little soul. Why can I not do that now? Where is that love I felt for her as she grew in my belly five years ago? I didn't mind the sacrifices and physical maladies. Why do I hate them so much now? Perhaps it is because I know now the challenges that I face. My own selfishness draws me inward into my own seclusion, but motherhood demands one's complete emotional presence. We mothers must reach to the depths of our inner strength as we try to rear our children with love and respect and compassion. I know the toll this takes on my mind, body and soul. As I was greeting the world in my own way this morning (checking every one's comments on facebook) one post put my predicament into perspective. My cousin, a personal hero of mine, was ordered to go to Afghanistan. He, like many other brave soldiers, fought in Iraq and lived through the horrors of war. There is hope that he may not have to go, but if he does, his life then takes a path that he did not want. The future he had planned for himself shifts to the daily fight for survival that he has tried to forget. As I grapple with my selfishness in the future, I will remember the price of war - the cost that heroes and their families pay to keep the rest of us safe and free. As I consider the new life that has been entrusted to me, I am humbled by the lives that have been lost, and the heinous memories that haunt our heroes. Thank you to all the men and women who protect us, and for your forgiveness when we forget the price you pay.

Ball Park Lights

What is that feeling I experience when I drive by a neighborhood ball field lighting up the night sky? Since I've never been an avid sports fan, this feeling catches me off guard and seems to light a corner of my soul. For a fleeting moment, all else fades away and I am captivated. Perhaps those lights are a beacon of sorts, of something untouched by greed, lust or power. Those lights illuminate raw innocence, though driven and competitive. Whether children or adults, those players' lives are for a short time uncomplicated and focused on something entirely superfluous- a game. I consider how refreshing it would be to forget about the pressing issues of life and channel all my energy into a game. I quickly remember, though, that I was usually one of the last children chosen for sports teams and with good reason. As I pass the ball park, realizing my thoughts and fantasies have come and gone in a single second, I am thankful for that moment- that fleeting moment that lit a corner of my soul. Until next time, my attention returns to stoplights and store fronts.

Product Review

I've tested a few products that deliver on their promises, and I'd like to share them with you. First, if you color your hair and have had problems with your color fading, try L'OREAL Ever Pure shampoo. This shampoo is very affordable and it has extended my time between coloring at least 2 weeks. I have been extremely pleased with this product as it smells great, feels wonderful and leaves my hair soft and moisturized. I have never been very loyal to my hair products, but I will use this product again. In fact, I will be loyal to this shampoo for ever, or until something better comes along.

Next, of all the deodorants on the market, I have always been a fan of Secret. Dove, however, lured me away with promises of minimizing the feel of underarm stubble. I'm sure I'm not alone in my hatred of that little patch of sandpaper that develops under my arms at the end of the day. If that was too much information, I apologize. I've got to say that Dove Ultimate Visibly Smooth delivers on their promise to minimize that feeling. Since I shave everyday, I'm not sure it minimized any appearance of hair, but I definitely felt softer as I crawled into bed. It has a nice fragrance and does the job. Although deodorant isn't the most exciting product, I figured you might like to know that there is something out there that softens underarm stubble.

Last, but not least, I've found a great inexpensive lotion that really moisturizes. I must admit that I am a complete lotion snob. I've tried almost everything out there from $1 to $50. I am always disappointed. Although I've hated Jergens in the past, I tried Jergens Shea Butter Cream. I have been pleasantly surprised by this very inexpensive product. In the winter my skin is typically so dry and itchy that I draw blood by scratching. This product leaves my skin moisturized and I rarely itch. The soft fragrance won't interfere with your perfume. It absorbs within a few minutes and doesn't feel greasy.

Circle of Lies

If you are a woman for whom relational fulfillment seems to always be out of your grasp, you are not alone. In fact, you are just one of millions who feel just the way that you do. Different women are aware of their dissatisfaction in varying degrees. Many women seek relational fulfillment through careers, and are frustrated by the fact that no matter how much they excel, they never seem to be satisfied. Many women seek fulfillment by excelling in family life- being the perfect wife or mother.


If you are a man who never seems to please your woman, regardless of how you exceed her expectations for a husband or father, you are not alone.


Men and women equally victimized by the "circle of lies". Because I consider myself a true feminist and not a "man-hater", I am surprised by my latest epiphany. Although what I am about to reveal is no secret, it is a fact that is hidden in plain sight. This is such common sense knowledge that it has eluded us only because we are unwilling to admit it.

Girls, consider all the books you've read and the movies that you've seen from adolescence to present day. Think about all the romantic comedies and dramas that involve a relationship between a man and a woman. I realize that logically we recognize that these are entertainment, and we would really like to believe that we do not let entertainment affect our expectations for life. Nevertheless, by design, women are created to be inspired by art and learn about life from other women. Unfortunately our instincts do not differentiate between real stories and fantasy. Consider your favorite romantic story and examine all the characteristics that the male character displays. Most of the time the man pursues the woman with a fiery passion, undeterred by villains or circumstances. He admires her independence, intelligence and beauty above all other women. He typically forgives her for some great indiscretion and humbles himself to be with her. The woman, on the other hand, is not easily convinced that she wants to commit to him. She is distracted by something else- career, person, or independence. She does not "need" him and thinks perhaps she would like to wait for someone or something more exciting to come along. He pursues her nonetheless.

Please understand that I love men, most of all my husband, but I have never known a man to portray these characteristics. I realize that I am dealing in generalizations and stereotypes, but they are for the most part true. The reason that we are inspired by these stories and swoon for these men, is because the men are most likely a portrayal of ourselves. Typically women will sacrifice all for love, wait for the one they love, and pursue someone regardless of villain or circumstance. On the other hand, men do pursue women, but if it becomes inconvenient or uncomfortable, they will generally cut their losses and find someone else to pursue. I believe with all my heart that men are incapable of loving women they way that we expect to be loved. They are incapable because it goes against their instincts. We only expect to be loved this way, because we have portrayed ourselves in our entertainment and given the character a virile, masculine body. Have we truly been awaiting our very own fantasies? I would love to hear your input. Before you comment, though, dig deep within your soul and force yourself to be honest.

Must See Movie Rental!

"Grace is Gone" is one of those films that has a profound affect on those who see it. John Cusack plays an average father who, upon learning that his wife has been killed in combat, embarks on a spur of the moment road trip with is two daughters. The pain of his loss is compounded by his inability to tell his girls what happened to their mother. The supporting cast is phenomenal at portraying a real family, and John Cusack is brilliant in his role. Even though it sounds like more tears than smiles, this move is a must see. It will enrich your life, trust me.

Paris Fashion Week

Of the many shows of Paris Fashion Week, there does seem to be a common thread. Spring 2010 will bring back the "Roaring 20's" with a modern bohemian twist. Next season will be feminine, sexy, colorful and flamboyant. So what does fashion week in Paris mean for us regular gals? This is absolutely the most perfect time to be shopping for spring and summer clothes! Before you bundle up and hit the clearance racks, spend a short time checking out the runway shows and get a solid idea of what you are looking for. We don't want to get a bunch of "great deals" that don't work together. I recommend going to www.nymag.com/fashion/. Be sure to check out Valentino(A+), Collette Dinnigan(A), Giles Deacon(A-), John Galliano(B+), Hermes(B), and Elie Saab(B-). (Pay no attention to the living skeletons wearing the designs. I'm sure they have paramedics standing by to attend to anyone who keels over from mal-nutrition.) If you prefer the "cliff notes" version, here it is. Look for lightweight pencil skirts for the office and whimsical flapper style dresses for everything else. Keep your eyes peeled for loose, flowy fabric with light ruffling. Next spring's color palette will be made up of greys, charcoal, white, butter, melon and navy. After you've done your homework, hit the second hand stores and clearance racks. Above all, find things you like with flattering silhouettes that you may strut your stuff with style next season. Happy hunting!

Our Love/Hate Relationship With Waiting

If waiting is so good for us, why do we hate it so much? I'm not referring to waiting in line at the market. I'm talking about the kind of waiting that requires a more majestic word. Anticipation is more appropriate. When we are anticipating that moment of gratification-a promotion we've worked so hard for, the wedding we've spent our childhood planning, love's first kiss- we sit on the edge of our seats and wait. It feels like agony, as if the world stands still and waits with us. Then, for that brief moment when the wait comes to an end, we are satisfied, and the earth resumes it's course. Yet we know all too well that the clock also resumes it's ticking and time, it's relentless advantage. Though all is well, it is not as it should be. We begin to miss the stirring- the desire of anticipation, that uneasy longing. Do we have a sort of primal thirst for whatever it is that we do not have? Because the moment we have it, the thirst creeps up again for a new conquest. Could we perhaps learn to love anticipation for what it is? It is the great expectation from which true passion arises.

Must See Movie Rental!

I don't typically write about movies, but this one is a must see. "House of Flying Daggers" is the most visually extravagent film I have seen in ages. Ziyi Zhang (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) is stunning and superb. Her portrayal of Mei, a blind dancer associated with a dangerous rebel force, is exquisite. Male stars Takeshi Kaneshiro and Andy Lau bring depth and complexity to well written characters. If you like martial arts, these meticulously coreographed fight scenes are top notch. Amazing cinematography and a well executed plot come together to make House of Flying Daggers one of my all time favorites.

Faux Conscience

While compiling a wish list for my approaching 32nd birthday and Christmas, I stumbled upon some strange feelings. Is it morally wrong to buy a knock-off handbag? The "faux" handbags are genuine calf skin and still cost the same as the monthly payment on my husband's work vehicle. This is the vehicle in which he transports carpet, tile, tools, wood, etc., all around town working his ass off to put food on the table for us. When it comes to getting a great deal, I am a champion. I rarely buy anything new, opting instead to troll second hand stores for anything I can't make myself. So why, I ask myself, do I feel the need to own a truly magnificent handbag? I realize that just because I am fabulous, doesn't mean I am entitled to have fabulous material things. I am young and have plenty of time to earn money and buy nice things. Unfortunately, affordable purses are purely functional and virtually indistinguishable. Designer handbags, however, are like art that you carry around with you and put things in. Faux bags look like art and cost a pretty penny, but they are still just forgeries-copies of someone else's genius. So I lack respect for even a high quality counterfeit, yet have only enough net worth to purchase a brass buckle off the soft calf hobo by Prada that I adore. What am I to do? After much soul and internet searching, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the great Coco Chanel. The ropes of pearls, an intigral part of her signature style, she preferred to be fake. To wear that many real pearls of that size would simply be vulgar. So, until I can afford to feed a small country and have done so, wearing genuine Prada on my shoulder will have to wait. Nevertheless, Prada employees will still have their jobs whether I buy a knockoff Prada, or a cheap vinyl number at Walmart. When you see me around town, you can safely assume that my jewelry is off the clearance rack, my clothes are second hand, and my Prada handbag is indeed a fake. I will look and feel fantastic, conscience in tact.

Recommended Reading-"Pure Skin"

"Pure Skin -Organic Beauty Basics" by Barbara Close, is a beauty text book worth reading and keeping around for later reference. Ms. Close authored two other books and is the founder and president of a holistic spa in East Hampton, NY. If she's good enough for East Hampton, she's good enough for me. Who am I kidding? I would take advice from the stylish gamines who live above me. I digress. "Pure Skin" has a wealth of information for all skin types and is presented in simple, easy to understand categories. The essential oil information is especially interesting and informative. Thankfully there are some magic potions for all of us amateur scientists out there (more like habitual guinea pigs). You'll find recipes for body scrubs, hair conditioning treatments, facial toners and several other inspiring ideas for spending an otherwise wasted Saturday afternoon. I was also pleased with the accessibility of the suggested ingredients. Many times organic beauty supplies either cost more than rent or require a scavenger hunt through a crowded health store. I have found myself being forced to ask an all too natural sales lady for ingredients I can't pronounce. As she looks me up and down, notices my product saturated hair and freshly shaved legs, I get the sense that she doesn't want to help me, as I am clearly not the ideal candidate for non-refined wheat germ oil. On the contrary, these ingredients are all fairly recognizable and easy to find. Though steamy bubble bath literature it is not, this book is practical and may help with some of those pesky skin issues we all have.

Oktoberfest not Festive

As I am somewhat of a festival junkie, I was looking forward to this year's Oktoberfest. I had visions of German costumes, booths filled with quaint little things, and of course the "bier". I was annoyed as my better half immediately expressed disappointment with the event. He rarely waits 5 minutes before offering "constructive criticism". I, however, try to see the fun in any event. Sadly, I was forced to concede to the better half within 5 minutes. This is precisely how long it took us to tour the entire event with two stages at each end. One stage, a small band was performing polka (cool), the other was hosting some sort of chicken dance competition (not so cool). As I searched for a destination, my fantasy bubble was rapidly deflating. To be exact, I saw 2 stages, 2 bier tents, 1 jaggermeister tent, 1 brat tent, 1 blow-up ultimate fighting thing, and 1 "quaint little things" vendor. Hoping the entire afternoon would not be a flop, I sent better half to get bier, so I could survey our options and find something fun to do. Long story made short, this event is kid-friendly only if yours will stay in a stroller while you sit on a bench and throw back bier. In order to ensure a good time, you will need good friends and a sitter. This is a great venue to bring some buddies, sit outside and shoot the breeze while you shoot Jaggermeister and bier. If you like the community pub feel, bring close friends and leave the kiddos at home. I'll be there next year, minus the underage Larson. See you there!

Long After I Am Gone

The past year of my life has been spent reflecting on the past and embarking on a journey of self discovery and self care. I am inviting new things into my life and expelling things that are no longer useful. Perhaps we become more graceful as we embrace the fluidity of life- it's ebb and flow. Our hearts grow larger as we forgive ourselves for past choices and make room for new ones. As we remove our bandages from pains endured, we experience the newness birthed beneath the gauze- skin that is beautiful, strong and less sensitive than before. As I spend moments during the day caring for myself, accusatory thoughts assault me, as they do every mother. Nevertheless, I continue on this road and choose to banish those thoughts. I believe what now appear to be fleeting moments of extravagance, will result in lasting memories for my daughter. Memories of the overwhelming fragrance of rosemary that lingers in the air while she produces art work and I bathe, will leave a stamp on her heart. My hope is that she will indulge herself in the beauty surrounding her. Embossed on her soul, will be hugs accompanied by the scent of my Lily of the Valley perfume, on which our money could have been more wisely spent. Perhaps she will be inspired when she smells rosemary and comforted by the breeze of a Lilly bouquet long after I am gone.

Gotta Read- "All You Need To Be Impossibly French" by Helena Frith Powell

"All You Need To Be Impossibly French" by Helena Frith Powell is lighthearted and entertaining. The author interviews French women and men to articulate what it is that is so special about French women that gives them their signature confidence and sex appeal. Her discoveries are amusing and inspirational, dishing on everything from lingerie to politics with charm and whimsy. I hate to admit it, but since reading this book, I have had a secret desire to spend $50 on a truly great lipstick, and $300 on silk nightgown. Although the overpriced lipstick and extravagant sleepwear will have to wait, I feel just a little more feminine (I have indulged in parfume, lingerie, and $8 lipstick, however). A light and easy read, Impossibly French should not be missed and is worth it's weight in gold. This is frivolity that needs to be passed along.

Bar Review- Jing/ Greenwood Village

I met some old friends at Jing on a Friday night. As the 10pm happy hour approached, the bar area was jam packed and hoppin'. Jing's first impression was glamorous and up scale with a beautifully decorated bar and crystal chandeliers. Lackluster service, however, soured me completely on what could have been a great evening. We waited 15 minutes for each round of drinks! The loud music definetely gave it a club feel, yet the seating was far too nuclear and was not conducive to meeting new people or conversation with the gals. If you're in the mood to sit alone and people watch, this might be the place for you, but be prepared to not speak to a single soul, not even the waitstaff! Jing is located in the Tech Center if you want to try your luck, but if you've been wanting a fun night out with some atmosphere, I'd look elswhere.

Emmy Fashion Woes

I've simply got to weigh in on the many fashion woes and very few wows at this year's Emmy Awards. The parade of boring prom dresses was occasionally interrupted by something noteworthy. The so called "fashion police" would have been well advised to arrest Stacy Haiduk for bringing a prop cat along with her and carrying it like a purse. Huh? This was by far more bizarre than Bjork's controversial swan getup. Rachael Ray, apparently dresses for the red carpet with about as much spice as mac & cheese. I was literally frightened by Olivia Wilde and Brenda Dickson. Definitely, though, the most disastrous dress was a tie between Rachel Zeskind and Ashley Jones. Nevertheless, there were a few who dressed appropriately and rocked it. Karla Mosley, Sharon Case, Christina Perez, Julie Pinson and Victoria Rowell were among the best of the "daytime divas". Last but not least, between the two noteable pregnant beauties in attendance, Heidi Klum and Marcy Rylan, Marcy takes the cake. While I love Heidi, I hated being pregnant. Seeing the exact size and shape of her belly, brought it all back. Marcy, however was feminine, sexy and tasteful, while not making me afraid she would give birth on the red carpet. Am I wrong for not loving the torpedo belly?

Resturaunt Review- hapa sushi grill

I enjoyed an early Saurday dinner at 'hapa" in Greenwood Village. I was immediately pleased with the service by both the hostess and the server. I was of course happy to discover "hapa" offers happy hour on Saturdays! The discounted happy hour menu is extensive and offers something for everyone-even vegetarian. This is a great place for friends to gather as it is conducive to conversation and it's easy to order several different menu items in small quantities. The food is delicious and the atmosphere is modern and sleek, yet warm and inviting. For locations and more info, visit www.hapasushi.com.

It's always better to look good than to follow the trends. Usually we can take parts of a trend and make it flattering. For example, the trend on the street is skinny jeans, a tunic stretched down to the bum, and ballet flats. Unless you are blessed enough to be long and lean, this is not a good look for you- I know I wouldn't try it. A tunic style shirt pulled down to the bum simply elongates the torso and shortens the leg. Legs are equally unflattered by flats. This is double duty bad news for your sillouette. Tunics pulled down too far also widen the hips. Although we want to accentuate our curves, we do not want to make them bigger! If you have fallen victim to tunics, flats and skinny jeans, there are ways to salvage your purcheses. Reserve your flats for casual shifts and tights. Pair the tunics with strait leg jeans or trousers and arrange the hem to fall a few inches from your natural waist. Rock those skinny jeans with stilettos or boots paired with a short-waisted jacket.